Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Cultural Conceptions of Sexuality: Helpful or Harmful?

February brought on discussions about love, relationships, and sexual behavior with the release of “Fifty Shades of Grey”. Some people affirm the movie as an example of female empowerment. Others dismiss it as merely romantic fantasy. Still some people find the message it contains disturbing and harmful to society as a whole and survivors of sexual trauma in particular. The movie brings into question the basis of mutual, satisfying relationships. Are they rooted in sexual gratification or genuine intimacy of mind and heart? Do they ascribe worth to partners through their function and performance or honor the fundamental dignity of a person? Survivors of sexual trauma often endure damage to their identity since sexual exploitation gets presented as love. This distortion breaks down survivors’ identity and ability to foster healthy relationships. Sallie Culbreth, Founder and Director of Committed to Freedom, expands upon this theme to address concerns about how “Fifty Shades of Grey” presents a false reality and harms survivors.

http://www.committedtofreedom.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/FiftyShadesOfConcern.jpgFifty Shades of Concern

There are many commentaries about the book, "Fifty Shades of Grey" by E. L. James, and its recently released movie. We feel compelled to add to those commentaries with attention to how the book and movie themes impact survivors of abuse, exploitation, and sexual trauma.

We preface our comments by first addressing the issues of sexual behavior - that which is considered normal and out-of-the norm. As the song goes, "No one knows what goes on behind closed doors." Sex drives, preferences, positions, frequency, foreplay (or lack of it), and needs are all factors in how people have sex. The fact is, sexual behavior between consenting partners is just that - it's between them.

Sexual chaos and dysfunction are common issues among survivors. This is particularly true when your sexual point of reference involves manipulation and exploitation. For many of us, our first sexual teachers were our abusers and rapists. This creates challenging layers in the quest to become healthy, balanced, and functional.

Enter our concerns:

Our first concern is with how survivors see and experience themselves. For most of us - especially in the early stages of recovery - we view ourselves as disposable, worthless, or only having value in how we perform. Often, shame and false guilt accompany those feelings of worthlessness. At the same time, it is very common for survivors to be very experienced, sexually, and may look at their sexual histories with the mind-set that nothing really matters because they've already done so much.

With these factors in mind, survivors may subject themselves or others to degrading, dehumanizing, and sadistic sexual practices as a way to confirm their sense of worthlessness. We should note that demeaning sexual practices also take place in the most conservative religious relationships and the most liberal atheist ones too, so this comment is not exclusive to BDSM (bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism), although that is the primary focus of our concern for this article.

Our second concern is imitation by sexual predators who, unlike the characters in the book, do not seek consent (although the capacity to consent to an unknown experience is questionable from our perspective) before subjecting their target to BDSM. With the spotlight recently shown on high profile cases such as Campus Sexual Assault, Military Sexual Trauma, and child predators like Penn State's Jerry Sandusky, it is very clear that predators have no regard for their victims. Sexual predators are ruthless and we are fearful that the mainstream acceptance of these themes may darken the already dark souls of predators through imitation.

There is a vast difference between being sexually adventurous - of exploring sexuality in all its wild variations with a consenting partner - and pursuing or being pursued by sexual experiences that continue to chip away at survivors' already shattered sense of sexual self and self-worth.

Sex is a fabulous gift and part of recovery is learning to embrace that reality. So enjoy your body. Enjoy your partner's body. Experiment. Have fun. Be adventurous. Be connected. But the concern and caution we issue is this: make certain that all of your sexual experiences are consensual, that you fully understand or communicate what that "consent" actually means, and your sexual expressions and encounters serve to keep you moving toward a deeper sense of well-being, dignity, and health.

As those who work to offer survivors a path to empowerment and well-being, our concerns reach beyond the morality of these themes. Our concerns are that people who have been sexually broken, exploited, and betrayed not participate or be forced into experiences that reinforce the sense of being worthless, disposable, and dehumanized.

Through the years, we have listened to distressed survivors who acknowledged that the only time they feel sexually alive is when they are being sexually degraded. The dark side to that "alive" experience is how it reinforces the lies of worthlessness and indignity that people in recovery are working so hard to overcome.

Our "fifty shades of concern" come from decades of work with survivors. We, and those we work with, have been the targets of sexual monsters who were not compelled to view us as human beings worthy of respect. We were simple used as body parts for the predators' gratification, with no regard given to our humanity. This is one very substantial reason that recovery is so challenging and sexual well-being is so elusive.

We have concerns.

Written by Sallie Culbreth and Anne Quinn
©2015 Committed to Freedom

This article was reprinted with the permission of Ms. Culbreth. To read more articles or to learn about her organization, please visit www.committedtofreedom.org

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

This is Love








“The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.”
Psalm 103:8

            





           As Valentine’s Day approaches, many of us consider our worth in comparison to the relationships in our lives. For the ones characterized by loving-kindness, this idea validates us. Yet for the ones characterized by abuse, love becomes a confusing concept. Still others of us may be disconnected from mutually satisfying relationships where we can give and receive love in a healthy manner. This reality steals our joy since we were made for community. When so much of our focus rests on deriving our value from how others perceive us, we can become disheartened.

            Yet there is One who sees us clearly and loves us deeply. His love redefines our lives and fills them with joy.

            The Bible describes God as love. Who God is as a person defines our understanding of love. Psalm 103: 8 says that God is “merciful” and “gracious”. He offers compassion and kindness, providing light in our desperate circumstances. He uses His power to forgive us and bring us into a relationship with Himself as a reflection of His love. The closeness we have with God builds up our spirit instead of crushing our heart. God’s love abounds in our lives; it is present in great supply. He faithfully lavishes love on us by treating us with great affection as a reflection of our value and an expression of His delight in us. His love refines us so that we know our worth and radiate His love to others.

            May we receive His unending love for us today.