Fifty Shades
of Concern
There are many commentaries about the book,
"Fifty Shades of Grey" by E. L. James, and its recently released
movie. We feel compelled to add to those commentaries with attention to how the
book and movie themes impact survivors of abuse, exploitation, and sexual
trauma.
We
preface our comments by first addressing the issues of sexual behavior - that
which is considered normal and out-of-the norm. As the song goes, "No one
knows what goes on behind closed doors." Sex drives, preferences,
positions, frequency, foreplay (or lack of it), and needs are all factors in
how people have sex. The fact is, sexual behavior between consenting partners
is just that - it's between them.
Sexual
chaos and dysfunction are common issues among survivors. This is particularly
true when your sexual point of reference involves manipulation and
exploitation. For many of us, our first sexual teachers were our abusers and
rapists. This creates challenging layers in the quest to become healthy,
balanced, and functional.
Enter
our concerns:
Our
first concern is with how survivors see and experience themselves. For most of
us - especially in the early stages of recovery - we view ourselves as
disposable, worthless, or only having value in how we perform. Often, shame and
false guilt accompany those feelings of worthlessness. At the same time, it is
very common for survivors to be very experienced, sexually, and may look at
their sexual histories with the mind-set that nothing really matters because
they've already done so much.
With
these factors in mind, survivors may subject themselves or others to degrading,
dehumanizing, and sadistic sexual practices as a way to confirm their sense of
worthlessness. We should note that demeaning sexual practices also take place
in the most conservative religious relationships and the most liberal atheist
ones too, so this comment is not exclusive to BDSM (bondage/discipline,
dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism), although that is the primary focus
of our concern for this article.
Our
second concern is imitation by sexual predators who, unlike the characters in
the book, do not seek consent (although the capacity to consent to an unknown
experience is questionable from our perspective) before subjecting their target
to BDSM. With the spotlight recently shown on high profile cases such as Campus
Sexual Assault, Military Sexual Trauma, and child predators like Penn State's
Jerry Sandusky, it is very clear that predators have no regard for their
victims. Sexual predators are ruthless and we are fearful that the mainstream
acceptance of these themes may darken the already dark souls of predators
through imitation.
There
is a vast difference between being sexually adventurous - of exploring
sexuality in all its wild variations with a consenting partner - and pursuing
or being pursued by sexual experiences that continue to chip away at survivors'
already shattered sense of sexual self and self-worth.
Sex
is a fabulous gift and part of recovery is learning to embrace that reality. So
enjoy your body. Enjoy your partner's body. Experiment. Have fun. Be
adventurous. Be connected. But the concern and caution we issue is this: make
certain that all of your sexual experiences are consensual, that you fully
understand or communicate what that "consent" actually means, and
your sexual expressions and encounters serve to keep you moving toward a deeper
sense of well-being, dignity, and health.
As those
who work to offer survivors a path to empowerment and well-being, our concerns
reach beyond the morality of these themes. Our concerns are that people who
have been sexually broken, exploited, and betrayed not participate or be forced
into experiences that reinforce the sense of being worthless, disposable, and
dehumanized.
Through
the years, we have listened to distressed survivors who acknowledged that the
only time they feel sexually alive is when they are being sexually degraded.
The dark side to that "alive" experience is how it reinforces the
lies of worthlessness and indignity that people in recovery are working so hard
to overcome.
Our
"fifty shades of concern" come from decades of work with survivors.
We, and those we work with, have been the targets of sexual monsters who were
not compelled to view us as human beings worthy of respect. We were simple used
as body parts for the predators' gratification, with no regard given to our
humanity. This is one very substantial reason that recovery is so challenging
and sexual well-being is so elusive.
We
have concerns.
Written
by Sallie Culbreth and Anne Quinn
©2015
Committed to Freedom
This
article was reprinted with the permission of Ms. Culbreth. To read more
articles or to learn about her organization, please visit www.committedtofreedom.org
